Mariah Carey Connection

We awoke last Friday to news that Mariah Carey, 38, had secretly married fellow pop star Nick Cannon, 27, earlier in the week.

Generally, we could care less about these things. But this union was fascinating to us in a trainwreck kind of way.

For starters, the two reportedly have been together for only a matter of weeks. Never a good sign.

The next red-flag was the ring Cannon reportedly bought his new bride. Someone needs to bring this dead-duck up to speed pronto: Mariah is the diva of all divas. What’s he thinking giving her a 17-carat ring worth $2.5 million? Mimi doesn’t get out of bed for anything less than 20 carats. Even we know that.

What’s worse, they met on-set during the making of her new video, Bye Bye.

The possibility of the Carey-Cannon union going south led us to explore other marriages of a similar stripe. Here are 10 of the worst.

1. Dennis Hopper and Michelle Phillips. Length of marriage: eight days. These two Hollywood vets are currently married to other people (Hopper to his fifth wife; Phillips to her fifth husband), but at one time they lived in wedlock. Sure, it was only for eight days, but it was 1970s Hollywood. By our watch, the week these two notorious partiers spent together is the equivalent of a silver wedding anniversary.

2. Carmen Electra and Dennis Rodman. Length of marriage: five months. That the 1998 wedding between these two dolts took place at Little Chapel of the Flowers in Las Vegas — where Britney Spears was married on a whim in 2004 — was a harbinger of the couple’s demise. Rodman tried to have it annulled after nine days. When you’ve got a husband who dated Madonna, and a wife who dated Prince, the chances of things working out are not good.

3. Lisa Marie Presley and Nicolas Cage. Length of marriage: three months, 15 days. We didn’t even bother looking into why this never worked for Cage and Presley, two of the nuttiest second-generation celebrities going. Seeing their names in the same sentence seems really weird. We can’t imagine what it was like at the dinner table.

4. Lisa Marie Presley and Michael Jackson. Length of marriage: 18 months. The year-and-a-half that The King’s daughter was married to the King of Pop seems decent enough by Hollywood standards, but Presley says she didn’t see Jackson for the last six months they were together. Dysfunctional? Just a little bit. Not that we are surprised. These two are freaky.

5. Shannen Doherty and Ashley Hamilton. Length of marriage: five months. Doherty was a star on Beverly Hills 90210 at the time, so the dissolution of her 1994 marriage to the son of George Hamilton was newsworthy. Not to us, of course: We totally hated her as that hag Brenda!

6. Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon. Length of marriage: 10 weeks. Paris Hilton sex-video star Rick Salomon was married to Shannen Doherty (see above) for nine months in 2002, which seems like a lifetime compared to the two he spent as Mr. Pamela Anderson in 2007. The couple should have seen their demise coming. They got married in Las Vegas between Anderson’s nightly performances as a magician’s assistant, which doesn’t necessarily hint at a classy future.

7. Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock. Length of marriage: six months. Kid, Kid. What were you thinking?

8. Cher and Gregg Allman. Length of marriage: ten days before Cher filed for divorce. Getting hitched in the heat of the moment (or, in this case, three days after divorcing Sonny Bono) is never recommended. These two musicians were splitsville almost instantly, reportedly due to Allman’s extensive drug problems, although they reconciled long enough to have a son and record an album before their divorce was finalized in 1977, almost two years later.

9. Drew Barrymore and Jeremy Thomas. Length of marriage: 30 days. Drew Barrymore has always been unlucky in love, but her month-long marriage to bartender Jeremy Thomas was just the beginning. Anyone who marries comedian Tom Green (they lasted five months) has much deeper issues.

10. Britney Spears and Jason Alexander. Length of marriage: two days. If Britney Spears’s 2004 wedding was to Jason Alexander of Seinfeld fame, rather than a childhood friend of the same name, she might still be married (laughter cures all that ails, folks). But as it stands, her Las Vegas quickie is now a matter of embarrassing public record. The bride wore jean-shorts and a baseball cap. Need we say more?

Source: The Windsor Star